It's been a minute...

In the past week a lot has happened.

Some good, but mostly bad.
I was pulled into a meeting with my boss and her boss and asked if I felt that I was working with the right age group. Right now I am a teacher working with Infants and Toddlers. I have been working with young children for the past 5 years and know that it is my calling. She asked me this because she noticed that I have been becoming increasingly frustrated in my classroom and she feels that it could turn into a siutaion that could hurt the children.

Let me clarify that I have never thought about hurting a child or myself. I have never had thoughts of suicide of intentionally hurting myself.

My boss referred me to a counseling service and last night I called. I immediately felt that I was being judged, thought this is not really the case. So they asked some questions and I have to see a counselor...which I am welcoming. This past year has been a challenge....with the miscarriage and losing my job. I have been doubting and questioning everything.

After the phone call, I called my mom and spoke to her for a good amount of time. She helped me to understand a little more about why I deal with stress and frustration the way I do. When I become frustrated....I either cry or scream. She told me that when I was younger that her and my dad used to scream a lot....as a way to control/discipline us. I KNEW immediately when she said that, that is the reason I do that. To get the kids to listen or behave....I resort to having a loud voice or practically screaming.

I do not want to be a bad teacher...and I am not. I am just overwhelmed and frustrated with certain situations in my life and I need to find alternatives to dealing with it...instead of taking it on the children. So right now I am using the 1-5 method...where I count to 5 if I begin to feel overwhelmed or rushed. I also am waiting for the counselor to call back so I can have my first session.